After Brexit, David Cameron and Euro 2016: Nick Curtis’ guide to the new world order

Cameron’s out, Corbyn’s still in and Iceland gave us a right good thrashing — it was a week when ‘you just couldn’t make it up’ came true. Steel yourselves, Nick Curtis has a guide to the new world order
Brexit: Cameron's out
Getty

A is for Apocopolitics, Now!

With both major parties in disarray and the UK cut loose from Europe with no idea where it will end up, the uncertainty potentially lasting five years or more, this week has played like the Book of Revelation rewritten by the producers of The Thick of It. In the dark. On drugs.

B is for Borexit

To take centre stage, only to realise someone has opened a trap door beneath your feet.

C is for the Corbynator

Shadow cabinet resigned? Vote of no-confidence? Corbynista supporters making death threats against Blairite opponents? Comparing Israel to IS in the middle of an investigation into institutional anti-Semitism? Any one of these would mean political death for most politicians but they just bounce off the Corbynator. He just keeps coming, armed with unshakeable self-belief and an ambivalent attitude to Europe.

D is for demob-happy

After all the workin’, earnin’, makin’ and votin’ of the failed Remain campaign, the lame duck Prime Minister and chancellor seem to be chillaxin’ and enjoyin’ their new-found failure (sorry, freedom). The judgment of history should wipe the smiles off their faces.

E is for EU-then-Asia

The belief of Brexiters that by triggering the destruction of the “sclerotic” EU, the UK will be able to secure better trade deals with China.

AFP/Getty Images

F is for Farage

As in ‘to Farage’ meaning ‘to frantically rage in the realisation that the thing that kept you in the spotlight has now gone’.

G is for Goves

Yes folks, it’s the hilarious new sitcom, or shitcom, or Brexitcom. Laugh as Michael accidentally supports remain, accidentally destroys the Conservative Party and accidentally becomes PM. Cry as his wife Sarah Vine reveals the behind-the-scenes shambles that led to these improbable events through accidental emails, accidental Facebook updates, and an accidental column in the Daily Mail. And contemplate suicide when you realise it’s actually all happening.

Michael Gove and Sarah Vine

H is for hubris

The collapse of the top tier of the Tory party fostered delusions of greatness in the biggest bunch of oddballs and nonentities this side of the cantina scene from the first Star Wars film.

Meanwhile, those who may yet stand against Jeremy Corbyn for the Labour leadership include: David Miliband, Ed Miliband, the Steve Miller Band, Angela Eagle, Eddie the Eagle, Evel Knievel, George Galloway, Anne Hathaway, Michael Faraday, David “heir to Blair” Cameron and Paul the Psychic Octopus.

I is for Iceland

If the Icelandic football team transformed themselves into a British political party they’d enjoy more recognition and respect than most potential leadership candidates.

Brexit holiday destinations in the UK

1/8

J is for jargon

Everyone has suddenly become an expert on Article 50, an EU self-destruct button, although nobody knows where it is or when or by whom it can be pressed. Also on “access to the single European market” and “the free movement of people” though there is no clear consensus on whether an independent UK can have one without the other, neither or both.

K is for Khaaaaan!

London’s new Mayor bestrides the fractured commonwealth like a colossus, albeit a small one. See him reach out to all faith groups, the LGBT community and the City. See him survive the most stressful week in British politics while fasting for most of the time for Ramadan. See him pictured breaking fast with Archbishop of Canterbury Justin Welby and Chief Rabbi Ephraim Mirvis. See him become Labour leader in five years’ time (maybe sooner).

L is for London independence

An idiotic idea inimical to the capital’s desire to stay in the EU. What would an independent London do? Drive Leave-voters from the city gates? Build a flyover to Scotland?

M is for mirth

There have been precious few laughs in the last week, with the referendum setting husband against wife, child against parent, friend against friend. But one of the few genuine giggles around was watching Tim Farron struggle to reposition the Liberal Democrats as something more relevant than a fart in a jamjar, while Nicola Sturgeon unashamedly capitalised on events to turn the Scots Nats into the third most influential party in Westminster (with eyes on the number two and one spots).

N is for neologisms

Brexit, Jexit, Regretxit, Forgetxit —pass me a Seroxat. Plebiscite, webiscite, parascite — back to Fahrenheit? Neverendum, Defer-endum, referenDUMB — pain in the duodenum.

Leave wins EU referendum - in pictures

1/23

O is for “occasionally toxic atmosphere”

The phrase used by Shami Chakrabarti to describe the mood within Labour, as she delivered the results of her investigation into alleged anti-Semitism in the party yesterday. This was a bit like announcing there was a “nasty bug going around in Tooting” during the great plague of 1665. She recommended politicians “should resist the use of Hitler, Nazi and Holocaust metaphors”. See “S is for satire”.

P is for Pooh

As in, “we’re all in the pooh now”. And for the cute online meme where Winnie and Piglet’s friendship transcends political differences. Or the slightly less cute version, where Pooh upbraids Piglet for legitimising racism and ruining his children’s future. The fact Pooh has children just opened up a whole new can or worms.

Q is for Queen

The monarch told Martin McGuinness she was “still alive” although there’s “a lot going on”. Probably mentally adding “and I’ll be cold in my grave before this is sorted out. Deal with that, Charlie boy.”

Remaining neutral: allegations that the Queen backs Brexit have been strongly denied by the palace
Chris Jackson/PA Wire

R is for regret

Maybe we could have a second referendum. Maybe we could keep all the benefits we had before. Maybe you didn’t mean to vote Leave/nominate Jeremy Corbyn/print a lie on the side of a bus. Sorry, but it’s too late for all that. This is how parliamentary democracy works: we must live with the consequences.

S is for satire

Dead now.

T is for Twichés

Remainers retweeting reports of racism, stuff they disagree with, or barefaced rumour on Twitter with the words “so it begins” or simply “this” as a comment. Triply annoying if they use the words: “This… Can’t. Even.”

U is for United Kingdom

Say goodbye to it, Brexiteers. The country you eventually “get back” may be A RACIST NAZI RUMP WASTELAND WITH WARM BEER AND CRICKET, divorced from an independent Scotland and Ireland but shackled to a needy Wales, like a conjoined twin shouting “WHERE’S MY SUBSIDY, BACH?”

V is for vendetta

The backstabbing that has already begun: within political parties; between the UK and the EU neighbours it has divorced; and between the putative Brexit government and its supporters, when they realise we will not be living in an idyll with no foreigners and an extra £350 million a week for the NHS.

W is for women

The next general election may well be fought between two parties led by women. Whoever wins will find herself forced to instigate an exit from the EU she did not vote for, engineered by posh boys playing fast and loose with our lives. Whether this means progress for women is a matter for debate.

Theresa May arriving for a Cabinet meeting in Downing Street (PA Wire )
PA Wire

X is for… well everything

Now that Brexit, Jexit, Flexit et al have made it as common a letter in English as it is in Portuguese or Catalan.

Y is for young people

You’re (even more) screwed. Sorry (#notsorry).

Z is for Zero Hour

It all starts again, next week.

Follow Nick Curtis on Twitter: @nickcurtis

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