Richard Godwin: We have water enough without cannon to fire it
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I’m not sure who’s doing the PR for water at the moment but you have to hand it to them. Water always seemed the friendliest of the classical elements. Even a bit wet? A pussy, compared with fire and earth.
Well, what a makeover! Water got tattoos. Water got game. Water got Somerset. And now water’s going to be sprayed into our faces at extreme velocity.
Boris Johnson is currently “consulting” Londoners as to whether water cannons should be in the armoury of our law enforcers. The Metropolitan Police Commissioner, Sir Bernard Hogan-Howe, believes that three pimped-up German Supersoakers are vital to maintain public order in the capital. Even if the Wasserwerfer 9000s will be “rarely used” and “rarely seen”, they do have a range of 65 metres. And who could resist such a toy?
Johnson is certainly tempted. Last month, he sounded out the Home Secretary, raising the spectre of “the disorder of August 2011” as evidence for their need. And that was a scary few days, wasn’t it?
Only, during the riots, no one called for water cannons. The Met admitted they would have been useless in the circumstances. Cannons may have come in handy when the student protesters threatened Millbank — if they had kindly let one get into position first. And what better way of teaching youth a lesson than sending them skittling down Whitehall?
The trouble is, water does not only humiliate. It may seem more “enlightened” than the tactics used at Peterloo or Kiev, but it is no more discriminating. A German pensioner, Dietrich Wagner, lost his sight after he was sprayed in the face at an environmental protest in 2010. “Water cannon are not democratic,” he warns. “They are instruments of violence.”
Really, though, it comes down to a simple question. Why now? Do we face some existential threat that we have never faced before? Even the police admit there is “no intelligence” to suggest public disorder will increase.
The biggest threat the Met faces is mistrust, thanks to corruption scandals and corrosive tactics such as stop-and-search. They will not rebuild that trust by wielding ever-more elaborate weaponry. The only “respect” that gets is the sort of “respect” idiots demand at knifepoint.
If I had to cite a single reason why I do respect the Metropolitan police — and I’m inclined to see most officers as trustworthy and decent people — I’d say it’s the fact that they do not routinely carry firearms. I’m grateful for that every time I return home from abroad. It’s crucial to the idea of policing by consent. It shows that they are part of society, not separate from it.
All weapons give them is a greater capacity to breach that consent. It may only be a bit of water — but as we’ve seen, water can do a hell of a lot of damage.
All shall have prizes at Brits
The Brit Awards are always a delicate balancing act. On the one hand, the organisers have to maintain a soupçon of cred to distinguish the prize, make it seem like something lasting. Hence the nominations for critical darlings David Bowie, Laura Marling, James Blake, etc.
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On the other hand... well look at those dear tweens who have camped outside the O2 since 7am to catch a glimpse of Zayn Malik’s security guard. It is devotion like this that will save the industry. My head says decorate Bowie, none of these pups can touch him... But my heart says garland One Direction.
As long as Bastille (the botched compromise) go home empty-handed, the future of music is safe.
Furious rows and the quiet of real life
Apparently, all of Britain is having a massive argument. At least it seemed that way on Monday night, as Channel 5 followed its Big British Benefits Row with the still more furious Big British Immigration Row. Once again, all parties left holding precisely the same positions as before, only a little angrier.
Meanwhile, Channel 4 brought its controversial Benefits Street to a close, with one of the participants, White Dee, hoping the show would “get people talking”. In the debate that followed, however, it was mostly shouting.
Compare these spluttering scraps with the agreeable conversations you see on Gogglebox, the fascinating show that watches ordinary people watching TV. Mercifully, in real life, it seems most of us don’t see conversation as a form of verbal cage-fighting.
My respects to acts of God
Perhaps there’s a vengeful God after all? After the Noah-style floods it’s getting a bit Exodus out there.
We’ve had a 20ft chasm opening up in Watford, a 35ft fissure in Hemel Hempstead, a car swallowed in High Wycombe, a child’s trampoline lost in Barnehurst… I’d never heard of these “sinkholes” until a few weeks ago and now they’re the Cara Delevingne of natural phenonema, ie everywhere.
Then a pavement “exploded” on Caledonian Road. There’s a plague of giant carp menacing Chicago. Plus an asteroid the size of a football pitch lingering in the sky.
I suppose this is how our ancestors would have made sense of their misfortunes, shaping them into a narrative, complete with an improving moral lesson. Man is bad! God is angry! Interesting how the concept of climate change as punishment for our environmental sins works just as well.
Twitter: @richardjgodwin